[The alleged 'creative force' behind the Eyelids of Dawn]
CHAPTER ONE: BORN OF THE STREETS
The enigma that is Lucca Frakkah-Dukkah, M.F. was the sole product of an experimental if ill-fated union between the two infamous rival families the Frakkahs and the Dukkahs. Once paternity tests determined that it was in fact Frakkah seed that tilled Dukkah soil, a temporary cease fire was called between the two rival camps and relative calm swept over the families for a 9 month spell. Unfortunately, as soon as baby Lucca was popped out, the rivalry was called back on, and snipers perched upon a grassy astroturf putting green knoll on an adjacent rooftop took aim and fired the "shot heard round the world," the bullet penetrating through the open maternity ward window, piercing new Mother Dukkah's spatula and rendering her virtually lifeless. Father Frakkah, enraged upon witnessing Mama Dukkah's extinguishment in such grotesque fashion, (and not known as the “sharpest tool in the shed”) fatally shot himself in retaliation. When the tv camera crews appeared on the scene to get a final word from him, one reporter asked why he shot himself instead of targeting the snipers. "I was closer," he said, his final words before he drifted off into an eternal slumber to end all eternal slumbers.
And drift off into an eternal slumber to end all eternal slumbers he did.
Meanwhile, baby Lucca, who’s traumatic first post-womb experience was witnessing the tragic death of both his mother and father, had-- suprisingly-- a relatively peaceful childhood, no one around him ever having witnessed a solitary tear drop in his eyes, even during the “terrible twos.” As he put it many years later, “When your first experience of your life is to witness the death of your mother and father, you don’t get all that hung up about things like soiled diapers, waiting in line for the swing at the park, or sleeping in a dumpster with only a raccoon and some second-hand nutella to keep you warm. When you’re on your own starting at age three and a half minutes, you learn pretty quick how to live on the streets—and importantly—how to burp yourself.”
And live on the streets he did.
“At first I was just hungry, and it seemed like the world was just a big nipple, waiting for me to suck. I learned early on how to utilize the proper combination of cute, cuddly, vulnerable, and slightly pathetic to get what you want, unbutton the blouse... you know... let's just say I developed a keen appreciation for the mammary arts early on. I can’t really think of any better way of preparing for adolescence.”
And develop a keen appreciation for the mammary arts he did.
[CONTINUED FROM ABOVE]
But contrary to popular mythology, adolescence was not a time of decadence and hedonistic debauchery for the timid urban street child known through underground circles as simply "Mr. Frakkah-Dukkah, M.F." This period took it's toll on young Frakkah-Dukkah, as both of the rival families put all their time and energy into devising plots to infiltrate and dismantle the inner clockworkings of Lucca Frakkah-Dukkah, M.F.'s precious DNA strands in an effort to deactivate the rival family's genetic material without damaging their own family's fragile dna. Mr. Frakkah-Dukkah was not impressed with their efforts, to say the least.
“I’ve been fed steak, minced thermal detonators, broken glass—you name it. At that time I was just happy to get a square meal out of it,” Frakkah-Dukkah reminisced. “The poison tipped arrows and tranquilizer darts just struck me as child’s play, to be honest--- not to take anything away from either side of the family's concerted efforts to render me 50% genetically incapacitated—but come on now, with what I’ve been through, you really think I’m going to go down that easy?”
And go down that easy he didn't.
Yes, in fact-- contrary to conventional wisdom-- Lucca’s success with the female population waned after the initial infant-toddler years. 'We all go through that “cooties” phase where it’s like “girl germs, oh sick!' But then eventually you get through that and all you want to do is get as close to them as you can possibly get. But me, well-- have I mentioned I’ve been literally living on the streets since I was 3 and a half minutes old? Well, living on the streets, you see, you develop something of a permanent odor that Speed Stick Regular Scent alone can not mask,” he reflected. “So then I panhandled for a few hours and made enough money to buy some Right Guard Odor Protection "Men's Locker Room Scent" and that was really a turning point-- that's when the floodgates opened, so to speak.”
And open they, so to speak, did.
The potent combination of 14 completely showerless, grimey dumpster-diving years and the crisp, refreshing aroma of Right Guard Odor Protection "Men's Locker Room Scent" proved irresistible to the unsuspecting foxes. Little did they know, there was some important things they didn’t have in common with Mr. Frakkah-Dukkah, M.F.
"I tried to explain to them that we came from different backgrounds. You know— the basics-- how I had lived on the streets my whole life-- have I mentioned that?-- how I had opposable thumbs, a relatively hairless body, rational thought, the ability to conceive of a both a spiritual power greater than myself AND the capacity to create devices that destroy the entire planet with the push of a button—but they just growled and drooled and pawed and literally tried to devour me—I was like ‘okay, if it doesn’t bother you, then it doesn’t bother me, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.'”
And not say he didn't warn them they didn't.
Alas, Frakkah-Dukkah’s dabbling in interspecies dating caused a brief uproar in the Frakkah and Dukkah families—one of the few things in their storied history the two rival families could agree on.
“It just ain’t right,” said Randle Frakkah. “If I would have tried to pull that off at his age I would have been vilified, absolutely. But to be honest with you, I have to admit I’m a little jealous of the bugger, and secretly envy him, in a sick, twisted way I would never reveal to anyone, especially in an ‘on-the-record’ live interview that will be broadcast to millions of viewers all over the world such as this. I just never knew how to ‘get some tail’ as they say. And it turns out that Right Guard Odor Protection "Men's Locker Room Scent" was the key? I always thought it was Right Guard Odor Protection "Charles Barkley Double Overtime Armpit Scent." Who knew! But oh boy, what I wouldn't do to be petting that soft, silky fur-- it sure beats the same old, same old… you know— skin."
And sure beat skin it did.
As fate would have it, as soon as Mr. Frakkah-Dukkah, M.F. began capturing the attention of the foxes, the chicks started paying heed. “Oh yeah, that’s how females of all groups are," Frakkah-Dukkah opined. "Once they see you getting mauled by a different circle of females, they’re all over you, literally pecking you to death.”
It was during this period-- colloquially referred to as the "zoo epoch"-- that Lucca Frakkah-Dukkah, M.F. had the first of a series of coincidental encounters which served as stepping stones to get to where he is today, "wherever that is" as noted Frakkah family historian Beverly Cleary so eloquently put it. She explains, "After I finished writing 'Ramona Quimby: Age 8' I ate a sandwich."
And eat a sandwich she did.
To be continued...
SIGN UP ON THE E-NEWSLETTER ABOVE FOR CHAPTER TWO, IN WHICH WE LEARN ABOUT:
1. BOTH LOWER AND HIGHER FORMS OF DOLPHIN COMMUNICATION
2. RUBBER BAND IGLOO WRESTLING, AND
3. MUCH, MUCH MORE!!!
---Editor, Eyelids of Dawn Enterprises, Inc. Official Unauthorized Newsletter</b>